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The Single Mums Move On - Janet Hoggarth


Prologue

The East Dulwich Forum
26 July 2014

Re: Loud House Party near Terry’s Tool Hire
Posted by: Fiwith2dogs 10.58 p.m.
Can anyone else hear the hideous party coming from behind Terry’s Tool Hire? WTF is it? Someone’s singing fucking reggae on a PA system at eleven at night. People need to sleep.

Re: Loud House Party near Terry’s Tool Hire
Posted by: Neighbour12 11.05 p.m.
It’s those annoying people in the Mews behind the tool hire place. Call the noise police. Shut those idiots down. They’re always celebrating for no reason. Number seven is usually to blame.

27 July 2014
Re: Loud House Party near Terry’s Tool Hire
Posted by: Linzicatlady64 12.04 a.m.
It’s still going and I can hear it down by the Plough. I’ve called the noise police. Cannot believe people are so selfish.

Re: Loud House Party near Terry’s Tool Hire
Posted by Fiwith2dogs 12.11 a.m.
As much as I want those fuckers to get in trouble, I don’t think you can hear it from the Plough. That’s too far. You’re obviously caught in the crossfire of another party.

Re: Loud House Party near Terry’s Tool Hire
Posted by: Frankymews66 11.05 a.m.
Hello everyone. Very sorry if you were disturbed by the annual Mews summer party. We did tell everyone in the immediate area, invited all the neighbours and we switched off the PA system at eleven thirty, all in all not causing outrageous noise pollution. When the noise police arrived they were totally happy with the sound level coming from an iPod dock at midnight. Also, if you don’t live in the Mews, how would you even know what number was hosting the music? If you can’t stand the heat, Neighbour12 get out from behind your kitchen curtains. Everyone always welcome to join in!

Re: Loud House Party near Terry’s Tool Hire
Posted by: Janemakescakes 11.15 a.m.
My baby was up screaming all night because of the noise, whatevs to you switching the PA off, we could still hear singalongs to shitting Oasis (torture) and lots of shouting into the small hours. What makes you people above the law?

Re: Loud House Party near Terry’s Tool Hire
Posted by: Frankymews66 11.32 a.m.
Very sorry your baby was up all night, but probably would have been up all night anyway. Babies usually sleep through most things. Hope you have a better night tonight. Light and love x

Re: Loud House Party near Terry’s Tool Hire
Posted by: Oldskoolraver 11.46 a.m.
Janemakescakes, you were probably just jealous you weren’t at the party and stuck at home with a baby!
Re: Loud House Party near Terry’s Tool Hire
Posted by: Janemakescakes 12.03 p.m.
Fuck you, Oldskoolraver.

Re: Loud House Party near Terry’s Tool Hire
Posted by: Fiwith2dogs 12.34 p.m.
Joining in with a load of selfish knob-heads is the last thing I want to do. Next time I hear anything, I’m calling the police. Be warned.

Re: Loud House Party near Terry’s Tool Hire
Posted by: Oldskoolraver 12.55 p.m.
I bet the Mews are quaking in their party shoes, Fi with 2 dogs. Ignore the haters, Mews people. Party on!

1

I Do

Here comes the bride, sixty inches wide… Ali, you bloody heifer, why did you eat so much at Christmas? I silently fumed. My embonpoint was bursting out of my prom-style bridesmaid’s dress, causing mild upper thorax asphyxiation and creating a fleshy shelf upon which I could probably rest a round of drinks. An irksome label was irritating my back; it hadn’t been there when I’d tried the dress on in Coast months ago. I was like a dog chasing its tail, unable to reach the label without shedding the entire outfit. I couldn’t face wrestling my boobs back into the dress so I left it as it was.
Jacqui, in a better-fitting version of my dress, her hair a stunning blond Farrah Fawcett bouffant, zipped a jittery Amanda into her striking grey chiffon ball gown.

‘Five minutes, girls,’ I warned Amanda’s daughters, Isla and Meg.
They nodded, dressed in their identical dusky-pink John Lewis bridesmaids’ dresses, delicate fresh gypsophila flower crowns adorning both their heads like angelic halos. Sonny, Amanda’s little boy, was the ring-bearer, waiting with Chris at the town hall in a mini-me dark grey suit, a picture-perfect box-fresh family. Amanda’s dad, suited and booted, sat on the over-stuffed blue velvet armchair by the door, looking like he was recounting his speech in his head. I felt a sharp pain below my ribs; Dad was never going to make a speech or walk me down the aisle in the vintage cream lace dress I’d always imagined myself in, even if I actually got that far. My latest boyfriend, Ifan, had spouted all sorts of romantic shit when we’d first met a year ago in Kebab and Stab after Jacqui’s leaving drinks. He’d recited Dylan Thomas to me in bed and said he couldn’t wait for me to have his babies, but as soon as he moved in three months later, real life tightened the drawstring on the blissful honeymoon period.

‘He’s so handsome!’ Jacqui had swooned after I’d sent her a picture. ‘You finally got the rock-star boy you always wanted.’
Ifan worked in an achingly trendy men’s clothes shop in Covent Garden and had aspirations of becoming a model after posing for a few moody Instagram photo shoots for the store. He was certainly pretty enough and young enough (eight years my junior at thirty-three) and an improvement on all the hideous men I’d encountered in my recent dating past. We had spent the first week together tucked up in bed incessantly shagging – he was a veritable Clit Eastwood – until I was struck down with killer cystitis, weeing razor blades every time I went to the loo. I had to sneak him out under cover of darkness before my five-year-old daughter, Grace, surfaced. She slept in my bed so Ifan and I had appropriated the spare room as our shagging palace, a broom cupboard with a narrow single bed armed with a sagging mattress rammed against one wall like a coffin awaiting a corpse. I had earmarked it for Grace when we moved in, but the damp was now so tenacious that her clothes in the wardrobe had started growing mould on them, and I couldn’t afford anywhere else, even with housing benefit. I wanted to be near my friends, Amanda and Ursula, but flats in East Dulwich were so out of my league.

The housing situation hadn’t always been this dire. A few years ago I’d had it all – the roomy Victorian semi near Amanda with the ubiquitous stripped wooden floors and a free-standing Habitat kitchen (something of great beauty in the noughties). Added to that, I’d had a mad chocolate Labrador called Max, a stepdaughter, and a fiancé who also happened to be my agent. I kept having to pinch myself when I finally fell pregnant – all my life goals were real and happening in vivid Technicolor. Until my now ex-fiancé, Jim, had left me holding a newborn baby and sold our perfect house from under my feet to move in with Hattie (now his wife). Completely heartbroken and homeless with baby Grace, I had ended up moving in with Amanda for a few years while Grace metamorphosed from a baby into a strong-willed toddler. During our time in the house we affectionately called the Single Mums’ Mansion, we became a patchwork family, along with Jacqui, another single mum. We spent Christmases together, hosted crazy parties, snogged unreliable men and helped each other through such an emotionally corrosive time that we formed an unbreakable bond. These women were like my family.

On the other hand, it gradually dawned on me that living in Amanda’s attic with Grace, as if we were a couple of students, wasn’t conducive to finding a much-wanted long-term partner. Grace and I needed our own space once she’d reached three, and we had to let Amanda move on with her life after she’d met Chris. Realising this had been a huge blow, but I knew it made sense. Leaving the safety net of the Single Mums’ Mansion to forge my new life had felt like losing a limb. In the first few weeks away from the house, I’d continually questioned my sanity on the matter. I desperately missed the cosy warmth of the attic and the nightly catch-ups in the kitchen over a glass of red. I’d found myself crying at the sink when washing up, and Grace had wailed for the entire first week: ‘Mummy, I want go home. I miss ’Manda.’ My heart broke for her – the Single Mums’ Mansion had been the only home she had ever known and Amanda was her other mummy. But every time anxiety swamped me, I heard Mini Amanda give me a pep talk inside my head: This is your life, own it, live it, accept it. What will be will be…

Mum had moved round the corner in Penge for a few months once her house in Spain had sold. Just having her there acted as a buffer against the low-level grey fug I couldn’t shake off since leaving Amanda’s. I’d been so excited about spending more time with Mum after she’d lived abroad for years, and Grace now had a granny she could see all the time. Dan and Alex, my brothers, were both married and had hectic family lives, and with Dad dying so suddenly four years ago it had felt all the more important that Mum lived near me.

However, after only six months it had been obvious that she was unhappy. I’d thought it was just because she didn’t like Penge. I didn’t blame her for that: every time I said ‘Penge’ out loud the word ‘minge’ reverberated in my head. I had suggested we club together to find a place in East Dulwich, but she’d been adamant. ‘I’ve missed my chance at London, love. It’s too busy, too impersonal. You and Grace are here and I love that, you know I do, but I can’t live your life. I have to live my own.’
Mum headed for the south coast to be near Uncle Graham. I’d balled my eyes out as I’d driven off, leaving her in the cute little cottage in the centre of Whitstable, but I could see she was thrilled. ‘Don’t worry, Mummy, we can always visit. Granny Annie said so,’ Grace wisely told me from the back seat. ‘Don’t be sad.’ But it wouldn’t be the same. I’d loved having that local family connection even if it had been only for a short while. It had made me feel cosseted, just like my time in the Single Mums’ Mansion. Grace and I were alone once more…

Left to my own devices my life started to go completely off the rails with no grown-ups to rein me in. I’d lost count of the number of times I would say on a Sunday night after a particularly wonky weekend: ‘Monday is the start of a whole new me!’, but it must have been quite a few because Jacqui had threatened to get it printed on a T-shirt. By Thursday I would be climbing the walls and, in the weeks that Grace was off to her dad’s, the bar-hopping treadmill would restart, more often than not dragging along terminally single Ursula, one of my uni mates, Jacqui, or Amanda. Not even the lure of my latest discovery, Radio Four, could keep the ants in my pants at bay. But my love of it did seem to mark my inevitable slide into middle age, especially when combined with a sudden interest in garden centres (I didn’t have a garden) and a new appreciation for the benefits of flossing one’s teeth in the knowledge that preserving your own set was essential with time ticking.

On the flip side of the coin, I was fighting being an actual functioning adult with every single atom of my being. For example, one morning after a one-night stand fuelled by Bolivian marching powder, I had found the draining board swept of dishes, what could only be smeared arse cheek prints on the steel worktop, and the green washing-up liquid overturned, dripping down the kitchen cabinets. This wasn’t how I had planned to be approaching forty-two: as a single mum, living in a Dickensian flat, with a dead mouse in the hoover bag, indulging in a multitude of meaningless but fun one-night stands.

Meanwhile, Jacqui had met Mark, a psychology lecturer, when she was visiting her sister in Australia the Christmas after I moved out of the commune. She engaged in an all-out war with Simon, her ex-husband, about emigrating with their children, Neve and Joe, a year later (she had dual citizenship). But she won him round eventually with a deal to bring them over twice a year for a few weeks at a time. ‘Yeah, I don’t get why he’s so fucking angry about it – he only sees them twice a month anyway because now he has two more kids, he hasn’t got time for them. I told him this way he’d spend more quality time with them than his half-baked attempts at being a dad every other weekend.’
I had been devastated when she’d dropped the bomb – she had been my steadfast wing woman out on the Strip (our affectionate nickname for Lordship Lane), when our misadventures had seen us behaving like teenagers in the Adventure Bar, hooking up with the most unsuitable men, snogging behind the fruit machines in Kebab and Stab while awaiting chips for the journey home.
‘In the words of Arnie: “I’ll be back,”’ she reassured me as I grizzled into my red wine. ‘I’m renting my house out and if it’s empty when it’s time to come home for the kids’ custody visits, we’ll stay there. If not, I’ll rent somewhere local. The kids will be with Simon most of the time, and Mark might come over too, depending on work. He’s never been to the UK. We can all hang out.’

To top it all off, Chris proposed to Amanda just before Jacqui abandoned us, making me wonder if my time in the Single Mums’ Mansion had only been a dream. I was so happy for Amanda – she totally deserved happiness second time round – but it had just served to highlight how far I was from finding that lasting relationship, until I met Ifan. Since we’d been together, the mould, the distance from my friends, and Penge itself had steadily grown on me, much like the spores in Grace’s wardrobe. Bad Ali had finally been firmly stashed back in her box.

But now, my spidey senses were tingling. For two nights in a row between Christmas and the wedding, Ifan had failed to come home from a boys’ night out. His phone was ‘switched off’ the entire time, sparking well-acquainted dread in me.

‘Where were you?’ I’d beseeched him when he’d nonchalantly resurfaced the day before we had to leave for the wedding like he’d just popped to the shops for some milk instead of vanishing into a textless void.

‘Nowhere. At the old flat. I told you I was going there. Things were mad at the shop because of the sales so I crashed with Niko both nights.'

‘You never told me!’ I’d screeched, hysteria bubbling dangerously below the surface. ‘I would have remembered.’

‘You were on the phone to Amanda talking about some wedding stuff when I told you – you nodded.’
‘You’re lying! I would’ve said something.’

‘I’m not lying, babe. How could you say that?’ He winked at me; his puppy-dog eyes coupled with his lilting Welsh accent making it impossible for me to get genuinely cross with him. ‘We live together – I’m hardly going to sabotage all this, am I?’ He waved his hand round the dingy living room like it was Versailles.

‘I suppose not.’ I really wanted to believe him. He was so good with Grace, well apart from when she had a tantrum; then he would storm off. But to be fair, I find her annoying when she’s behaving like that. When it was good it was lovely to finally feel like a real family, and maybe one day, when he had a proper job we would have a baby of our own… ‘Next time can you just make sure I’m listening before you think you’ve told me something?’
‘Yes, anything for you, babe. You know that.’


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